I arrived in Florida in July 2009, the state’s newest resident, with a freshly minted law school diploma packed neatly in my suitcase. By the time I touched down in Orlando, I was well aware that the law was not my calling. For the most part, I had kept this realization to myself. Quitting would have been an embarrassment and, really, what’s the harm in an additional $25,000 of non-dischargeable student loan debt? Constructing an image of success and happiness was more important than actually experiencing success and happiness. This has been a running theme throughout my life.
So here I sit, six years post-law degree struggling to answer a question first pondered in grade school: What do I want to be when I grow up? According to Forbes Magazine, 52.3% of Americans are unhappy at work. I am hardly alone in feeling unfulfilled and, when faced with statistics like this, I question whether this is just the cold, hard reality of adulthood. No matter how bleak job satisfaction surveys are, I can’t believe this is all there is for me. I have come to realize that, if you are lucky, life is long and much of it is spent working. I want to give happiness a shot and that won’t happen if I stay on this path.
I started thinking about career unhappiness and how it resembles the five stages of grief developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Often, when stuck in a prison of one’s own making (Dramatic? Maybe, but so is grief), it is easy to dwell on what might have been, what might never be, and the frustration of feeling trapped in the wrong career.
1. Denial and Isolation: Everything will be fine if I just make enough money or get enough respect or get that promotion. I just need to keep my doubts to myself, and sometimes from myself, because this is all in my head.
2. Anger: Why can’t I just be happy? My bills are paid, right? I have food in my stomach and money in my 401K, don’t I? I have a 401K! What is wrong with me? Anybody would be happy to have what I have and I am wasting this opportunity.
3. Bargaining: Maybe I can just spend five more years plugging away at this. By then I will have gained some marketable skills, and I can move on to something more fulfilling. Plus, staying for five years doesn’t look like quitting from the outside.
4. Depression: This is wretched. It isn’t normal to hyperventilate multiple times per week but what can I do? Nobody else wants to hire me, my student loans are astronomical, and my family depends on me.
5. Acceptance: How do I reach this stage or am I already there? Is it acceptance to surrender to the disappointment or acceptance to acknowledge my grief, as I am starting to do here?
I don’t know what I hope to gain from writing this. Perhaps some personal clarity and acceptance. As it is, I think I spend most of my time wedged between bargaining and depression. Sometimes, on exceptionally bad days, I huff and puff myself all the way back to anger. Whatever acceptance looks like, I need to push myself in that direction. Maybe I will know I have arrived when I finally unpack that law school diploma from the envelope it came in and hang it on my wall.
erinmakesgood 